Misfits is back!

Thanks to @0defiant for alerting me to this. Sure, the show won’t be the same anymore now that Kelly, Simon, and Alisha are no longer on it but, it will be interesting to see what direction the show producers will take the whole thing.

Get your torrent clients ready brothers…

Holy Jesus fucking Christ, that’s one huge maggot!

You know how you watch gory, gut squirming videos on cracked.com (or break.com) and subconsciously write them off as fiction, make-believe, jokes, “can never be that bad”, etc. (except for those who tend to believe everything they see on the internet – like the existence of the Illuminati), well, I’m about to force feed you with an encounter I had with something that began life as a mustard sized devil.

I woke up on a Saturday morning and felt some sort of pain on my back and neck. Thinking it was just a mosquito bite, I ignored the pain and went about the day’s business. Monday came and the pain got worse, it even added occasional sharp sting sensations as a bonus and the spot on my neck was already slightly swollen. Perhaps, the mosquito bite got infected. Whatever. I thought I should probably take antibiotics but I’m not a fan of drugs, so I ignored it altogether.

Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday morning. The visible one on my neck was secreting yellowish fluid. I made another conclusion – it must be a boil. Oh my God, my pretty face will be ruined. During one of the pus cleaning rounds, I pressed hard on the swollen bit and out came something suspiciously solid. After examining it closely, I noticed it had ridges of some sort. Wait a minute, a maggot? I just squeezed out a fucking maggot from my neck? Don’t panic Ezra, Google probably has answers. Right Mr. Hat?

Girlfriend said it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence when I told her of it. Well, considering this is the first time this is happening to me in my approximately 9,455 days on earth, that’s fairly uncommon in my books. Two friends I told the maggot story thought I was nuts. “Definitely solidified pus, bro”, they said. The pain in my back continued while the one on me neck subsided. The sharp stinging sensations became more frequent and more painful, causing me to say “fuck” inadvertently in situations where language was otherwise supposed to be kept professional.

I reached my pretend macho limit that evening and found my way to a pharmacy, got a couple of anti-allergy medication, some epidermal cream, and antibiotics. I know, I probably should have just told the pharmacist I think I have more maggots partying inside me but even I didn’t want to accept that fact. My loss. Turns out I paid for stuff I totally didn’t need.

Friday was hell.

By Saturday, I had enough of it. A friend came over and was conscripted to play mom – you know, the whole hot water treatment while pinning me down amidst screams and shit. I was a big baby. Eventually, the wound was cleaned. Later in the evening, girlfriend called to know how I was doing and insisted I got my ass off the bed and get my back checked out in a mirror. That’s when I saw something sticking out. I grabbed a wad of tissue to clean it and…

…fuck, its a maggot. “I know”, she said. No. Its a fucking huge maggot. There it was, right in my hands. The cause of my pains for the past couple of days. Wait, its head just bobbed to the left. Oh my God, its alive. “I’m gonna have to call you back”.

I turned on my phone camera and proceeded to take a couple of shots. I couldn’t help but imagine the look on my friends’ faces when I show them concrete evidence of my maggot theory.

IMG_20121006_220816-1-1

Of course, I recorded a couple of  videos too, thanks to my lens’ not so capable focal length. Notice how my quest to prove myself overshadowed the fact that I just pulled out a live maggot from my body?

After all was said and done, I called my girlfriend back (now this is where the beauty of having a girlfriend with a medical background really shines). She went ahead to calmly tell me about this insect called a botfly. It captures mosquitoes in flight, shits its eggs on their faces, and releases them. These mosquitoes then “innocently” drop off the eggs on unsuspecting victims during their feeding rounds. The eggs detect the change in surrounding temperature and then hatch, leaving the larva to slowly crawl into the skin through sweat pores and, you know, chill for the next 8 to 12 weeks and getting fat while at it. This guy barely lasted 7 days in me. Now try to picture how huge it would have gotten if it lasted 84.

Feel free to search for “botfly” on YouTube if you’re into watching bugs crawl out of living humans’ bodies.

In the meantime, I have set up a campaign on Indiegogo called #SaveEzra. Proceeds from this campaign will go into purchasing the Samsung Galaxy Note II and maybe unlimited data for the next twelve months depending on how well you guys perform. For donation inspiration, have a second (or seventh) look at the maggot above. Thank you.

A little rant about Rails

6a0120a85dcdae970b0120a86db600970b

Ok, so I downloaded and installed Visual Studio 2012 two days ago and OMG using it is euphoric. When it dawned on me yesterday that my days pretending[1] to be a .NET programmer will soon be over and I’ll be back to my CFWheels/Railo development and Rails experimentation and lackluster IDEs, I decided to put Google to use: “develop ruby rails visual studio”.

First result was a Stack Overflow thread started by a developer who shared my exact concerns, only that he posted his question in 2009 which means Visual Studio 2008 was the wonder IDE he was jerking off to. One of the comments to his question was a link to a coddinghorror.comarticle with the accompanying line: “Just remember that they hate you”. Who hates me? I wondered. I clicked through to read (as I would click any link I find anywhere on the internet that contains codinghorror in it anyway – yes, I love Jeff Atwood).

Apparently, David Heinemeier Hansson (creator of Ruby on Rails and co-founder? at 37signals) was at it again. This time, trashing any developer who still uses Windows as his platform of choice. Jeff took him down nicely, and effectively came to the conclusion that David is a douchebag. Interesting (albeit, written in 2008) read: http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/2008/02/douchebaggery.html

From the article, I followed a link to another blog post written a year before, also describing David’s character. Another interesting read: http://wekeroad.com/2007/10/10/imploding-rails-jesus-dhh-and-the-uncle-ben-principle/

Apparently, Twitter literally dumped Rails for scalability issues. However, I know of a couple of high traffic websites whose technology stack contains Rails in one way or the other. Notable examples include Github, Stripe, Get Satisfaction, Braintree Payments, etc. While this will not dissuade me from my journey into (or should I say onto) Rails, I now know to be wary of performance bottlenecks that may arise if the project has to scale efficiently. Oh, and that it’s creator isn’t willing to help should I run into any trouble.

Did you know that David once had a presentation where one of his slides contained just the words “Fuck” and “You”? I didn’t. Apparently, we are more alike than “we” know. Oh wait, I use Windows.

[1] I write C#.NET pretty well. However, I hate ASP.NET and all that it stands for. I believe it spells a death knell to staying abreast of modern web technologies for anyone who dabbles into it. Why? it’s just too easy to get carried away by dragging and dropping stuff that you forget the language the end user’s browser understands – HTML. Sadly, at the moment, I have been tasked with extending an existing ASP.NET application over at the Nigerian Stock Exchange.

Ugh

Just because I can.

I’ve actually been trying to come up with one long ass post for a while now (in my head, that is). I’ll probably just abridge it and post anyway. Nothing too serious; it’s the usual self adoring shit I’m used spewing.

Fuck off.

Rants

The following paragraphs lack coherence of any kind.

Humans suck. There is a reason why I really don’t have people I call friends. Guys I occasionally hang out with are mostly colleagues or acquaintances. The girls, fuckbuddies or potential ones. Oh yes, if you’re a girl and we hang out or talk, chances are that I’ve at least pictured you naked, or gone as far as imagine what it’d be like to have sex with you. Most times, I just want to run away from everything to a faraway plain, with my cats of course.

I like to think of myself as homosexual, or bisexual, or bicurious, or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days. No, I’m yet to have my first sexual experience with a guy, mostly because none of my friends are willing. There is this colleague of mine that gives me a hard-on anytime I picture him rubbing my thighs. Thankfully, he actually does this. But he doesn’t know it actually excites me.

I’ve always wanted to own an owl simply because they can turn their necks about 270 degrees from side to side. I’m yet to see one for sale on this side of the world but…I will settle for a parrot, or two.

Oh, if you’ve at one point or the other engaged in a blogger vs. “twitterer” fight, you should get your cranium checked.

Once upon a time, I thought I could rap. Forget that was ever typed.

I have a problem with multitasking. Surprisingly, I was good at it about 3 years ago. Right now, it’s difficult for me to shift focus from one project to attend to another. Needless to say, this has affected my income as a substantial part of it previously came from completing non-office work. The only project I’m currently directly involved in at work is actually one that demands that I totally commit myself to it so I can’t really help it right now.

Sometime in July, my Galaxy S’ screen cracked and I had to send it in for repairs. About 2 weeks and N33,000 later, I got the phone back from Samsung Care. I already had my eye on the Galaxy S II so I sold the S as soon as I got it back…for N40,000. Considering the fact that a new one went for N60,000, there was really no way I could have sold it at a higher cost. I counted my loses and moved on, bought the S II for N102,000 and misplaced it the next day. Nevermind, I’ve done the whole flogging myself already. The good Samaritan who found the phone is using it though, instead of trying to track down it’s previous owner. Who can blame him? Its the S II we are talking about here. However, the thief accesses the marketplace with my account, meaning that he (or she) didn’t even bother to restore the phone to factory settings. According to my marketplace account, this device was still active as at September 21.

I would probably have to pay for this randomness in future, but who cares?

Fuck Boko Haram.

Highlights

I know I’ve not posted shit in a long time. Heck, I’ve not posted anything at all in (*trying to calculate number of days… *giving up). Twitter is really the death of blogs. Haha, it wishes. This is more like a comeback post. You really don’t have to remind me of the fact that I’ve said this before, do you? Anyway, what better way to do this than list the highlights of my life between July last year and today? Here goes…

 

July last year, I was half jobless. My company was distressed. It was only a couple of days since we were paid for the month of May. Trust me, it wasn’t funny. Second week into the month, a meeting was called and it was announced that the company was shutting down. My getaway move for this period was posting crap on Twitter. It helped, I guess.

 

August, I was still jobless. I wasn’t actively searching for a new job though. Why? Two directors of the defunct company, along with myself and another colleague came together to start a venture. Bla bla bla. The new company kicked off in September. It wasn’t really smooth in the beginning but the future seemed bright and all that.

 

I got a new girlfriend in October and lost her in November. Oh no, she didn’t die. She left me. Ouch! Got my dream phone late December. I should do a review of the device soon. Hey wait, come to think of it…sounds like I’ve led a very boring life right? Ok, I met a couple of great people who I wonder how I lived without being friends with previously. @NonPareilZeze for one. I met a number of ‘twitter people’ too.

 

That’s all basically. I’ll try to do this more often. Post on this blog, that is. Not bore you the way I just did. :)

On God, football, and the octopus

Over the weekend, myself and a couple of friends started talking about the FIFA 2010 World Cup and the octopous that suddenly gained celebrity status for correctly predicting the outcome of 8 matches. Needless to say, I don’t follow football so I’m usually the last person you’ll find in a conversation about it, but the lure of the possibility of something supernatural was impossible to ignore.

During the afore-mentioned conversation, the octopus’ ability to predict the outcome of matches was attributed to the devil. As one of his numerous gimmicks to deter people from concentrating on what is important. It was even said that God would one day srike the octopus or something. You know, the usual overly religious christian crap. Rather than call BS on the whole Devil/God thingy, I decided to go by the Bible itself for starters.

The two interesting cases of divination in the bible was said made possible by God himself. We have the Balaam dude whose donkey spoke like a human because an angel was in the way (like seriously?). Then we have the occassion where Saul went visiting a witch to talk to Samuel’s familiar spirit. God supposedly caused Samuel’s real spirit itself to manifest. Considering these examples, I find it funny when christians are quick to attribute supernatural events to the devil… well, except for Catholics. I’m guessing the only place where Catholics are yet to see an apparition of Christ is on a girl’s face just after a facial. Wait, I should tweet that!

Maybe God is speaking to us through the octopus. Surely, an all-knowing God already knows the outcome of any football match. This should not destroy freewill in anyway. There are a lot of factors to consider such as amount of, and dedication to training, tolerance to varying weather conditions, level of both natural and acquired skill, etc. Attempts have been made to predict matches using a series of simulations while adjusting the variables. At least football manager games are based on this premise. With the right amount of computing power, these simulations should become as accurate as the octopus, who is yet to exhibit the ability of telling what the exact scores would be.

An all-powerful God’s brain would be the entire earth’s computing muscle to the power of infinity. Combine this with being all-knowing and every move/mood/emotion of the player can be taken into consideration when he simulates the match in his head. Thus, rather than pray to God on the pitch to win, just ask him what the scores’ll be. :)

That said, there’s the possiblity some dude somewhere has built a super-awesome processor that can accurately predict the outcome of matches. This dude lures the octopus to the “right” case by putting a more delicious looking (at least to the octopus) in it.

Whatever the case is, I’ll love to read about more successful predictions. Heck, I should ask the two year old oracle if I’ll end up dating a certain girl like that. :)

Oh My Twitter!

pwnedI forgot to add TM. And no, this is not another joke post. My Twitter account has been hijacked for about a week now.

The attack was classic (I feel so probably since this is the first time I’m a target of one). My email address (ezra@cfezra.com) was compromised at around 10pm on 14th of January, 2010. I must admit, I use a very weak password. Even by 1999 standards, its a pretty weak password.

11:52pm, a password recovery was performed on my Twitter account. About 3 minutes later, the associated email address on my account was changed thus relieving me of any form of control over my account. I knew this from a mail sent by twitter to my email address notifying me of the change. Problem is, the new email address wasn’t stated.

Complained to Twitter, got a reply after three days that a support ticket was opened for me with a message that needed my response. I followed the link and arrived at a page requesting me to login to view the ticket. WTF?!

Long story short, I’m yet to regain control of my account 178 hours after the ‘theft’. I really hope to get it back as soon as possible as I miss it already. It was my favorite ‘hang out’ spot.

Now playing: Nothing – I’m Pissed. (LOL)

Happy New Year, bitches!

IMG_0788 It feels so good to be baaaack! Erm, did I really go anywhere? I know, its January 12 already. Guess a lot of peeps have forgotten they even had a holiday. No, I’ve not. I’m still living it. And hey, did I say I had the best Christmas break ever? Mum should definitely not see that – we haven’t seen each other since April last year. I’m currently less than 40 kilometers to her so I should go say hi to her very soon.

A lot of things have happened since I last blogged. I’ll mention two notable ones.

Michelle, my queen, gave birth to 4 kittens. Junior, Brenda (the girl in the picture), Alex, and Kaytee. The kittehs are soooooo cute. Two of them have gotten themselves good foster parents already. Seriously, I would have loved to keep them all.

Next, I made a really good friend. ‘Nuff said. :p

Anyway, I’m looking forward to an awesome year ahead and I’m sure you guys are doing the same.

Now playing: Black Eyed Peas – Meet Me Halfway